Chapter Text
Greg and Alex sit on their thrones. There is a VT of a yule log behind them. Garland and lights decorate the set and there’s a Christmas tree in the corner opposite Greg and Alex. The Taskmaster trophy is wearing a Santa hat. Greg and Alex are both wearing Christmas-themed socks.
Greg: Hello and welcome to the first annual Taskmaster Christmas show! I’m your host Greg Davies and tonight I have the honor of presenting A Taskmaster Christmas Carol: Taskmaster’s take on the classic Dickens tale. Joining me tonight are five of the many former Taskmaster contestants who will be featured in tonight’s story. They are: Rhod Gilbert! Ed Gamble! Mae Martin! Judi Love! And Bridget Christie!
Thunderous audience applause
Greg: And seated next to me, a man who recently confided in me that he thinks Mrs. Claus is quote totally bangable. It’s Santa’s least favorite elf: Little Alex Horne!
Alex: Thanks, Greg. You’ve all been so good this year, we hope you enjoy this little present from us to you.
Greg: But before we start, we are contractually obligated to do some painfully stilted banter. I guess Santa didn’t get my Christmas list.
Alex: Right. Well, if you remember the beginning of a Christmas Carol, it’s spooky stuff, “Jacob Marley was dead to begin with…” and all that. But then Dickens gets sidetracked about the expression dead as a doornail. He argues that coffin nails are deader than doornails and it got me thinking.
Greg: About nails.
Alex: Right about which nails are the deadest. So, I made a chart.
The VT shows a chart with various nails ranked from least dead to most dead.
Alex: So, as you can see, we’ve got fingernails on the left. Not dead at all, in fact they keep growing after you die! Well, they actually don’t, the skin around them shrinks which makes them appear to grow.
Greg: Audibly groans.
Alex: Then you’ve got toenails, common nails, box nails, door nails, ring-shank nails….
Greg: What the devil is a ring-shank nail?
Alex: A ring-shank nail is a nail with grooves (rings) around the shaft for better grip.
Greg: Ah, ribbed for her pleasure, eh Alex?
Alex: Blushes furiously
Alex: Then we’ve got spike nails, finishing nails, and of course, coffin nails. So, as you can see, doornails are right in the middle in terms of how dead a nail is, Dickens was correct.
Greg: What am I supposed to do with that?
Alex: Well, I think I nailed it!
Greg: Tries to look annoyed while he stifles a laugh
Greg: Right. Prize task time. Alex, what have we asked them to bring in today?
Alex: Well, Greg, today you’ve asked them to bring in the thing that you would most like to unwrap on Christmas morning. Oooh!
Greg: Right, well let’s see if I’ve been a good boy this year. Mae Martin, let’s start with you. What have you brought in for me?
Mae: Well, I was thinking about puppet Greg.
Alex: We’ve all been thinking about puppet Greg. Alex shivers.
Mae: Right, well I was thinking that he needs some different outfits so that he can match the different moods of Greg Davies, so I got him some new clothes.
Alex: Here’s the first one.
Mae: So, you can see, he’s got your favorite Brooklyn t-shirt and cuffed jeans for a more casual standup look. Then, we’ve got a Santa suit so he can be festive for the holidays. And of course, we’ve got this.
The screen shows a picture of the puppet wearing only a Speedo and positioned like Rhod’s infamous photo. The camera pans over to Rhod who is laughing uproariously.
Rhod: pointing at Mae I like this one, Greg.
Mae: And we’ve got a nice tuxedo for award shows and such.
Greg: Speedo aside, it’s a strong start. Let’s see, Ed Gamble! What have you brought in?
Ed: Hello, Greg. Well, I thought a lot about this and then I thought fuck it, what is something with a wrapper that Greg likes?
The screen shows a picture of a box full of packets of Maltesers.
Ed: Candy. It’s tasty, it’s Christmasy, you unwrap it, and I’ve brought in 83 of them.
Greg: Laughing Well, it’s not very original, but you do know your target audience. Greg rubs his belly.
Greg: Alright, I’m afraid, but let’s see what Bridget has brought in. Another kimono that you kept for a few decades?
Bridget: Nope, I’ve brought in this:
The screen shows a large tombstone that says:
Here lies Greg “Taskmaster” Davies
May 14th, 1968-
Greg: stares in wild-eyed horror.
Bridget: Imagine, it’s Christmas morning, you open a present and it’s your gravestone. One thing you can check off your to-do list.
Greg: Ah yes, who doesn’t want to wake up on Christmas morning and be reminded of their own mortality?
Bridget: I’ve known you for a long time; you’re a worrier. Now it’s taken care of; no need to worry that Alex will write a strange epitaph or cheap out and just bury you in his backyard.
Greg: Why is Alex in charge of my funeral?
Alex: I’m always in charge of admin.
Rhod: I always assumed Alex would throw himself on the funeral pyre.
Alex: Laughs, biting his fist.
Greg: Well, I would say you are crashing into last place, but given who is left, sadly there is still hope for you. Judi, what have you brought for me to unwrap on Christmas morning?
Judi: I’ve brought in a singing fish.
The screen shows a picture of one of those novelty fish that sing.
Greg: Absolute rubbish.
Judi: It plays Christmas carols and its head moves.
Alex shows a VT of the fish singing “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”
Greg: shakes his head I don’t even know how to respond to that. Alright, that just leaves you, Rhod. Show me that picture of myself with a Santa hat on it or my mum in the tub with elf ears and let’s get it over with.
Rhod: Actually, I’ve got something a little different this time. Alex?
Alex displays a picture of Alex himself, wearing nothing but underpants that have a large, green bow on the front. He also has a red, stick-on bow slightly off to one side on his head. The audience erupts in laughter.
Rhod: I figured you’d most like to get into Alex’s pants on Christmas morning.
Alex: Yes, I’m wearing them now.
Greg: You are not. Go on, let us see if you’re really wearing them.
Alex: Do I have to?
Greg: Why would you say you were wearing them if you didn’t want everyone to see?
Alex opens his trousers, pulls down his long johns just a little, and exposes just a hint of the green ribbon. Greg reaches for the ribbon to undo it, and Alex smacks his hand.
Alex: Not until Christmas, Greg. Alex winks.
Greg: Okay, points. No surprise, singing fish, one point. Two points to my tombstone, you weird, morbid woman. I’ll give three points to Ed, because I do like my sweets. Oh, these last two are tough. I’ll give four points to Mae for their lovely additions to puppet Greg’s wardrobe, and five points goes to Rhod Gilbert!
Greg: Alright, with my presents out of the way, it’s time at last to introduce A Taskmaster Christmas Carol. Merry Christmas, everyone!