Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

What a wonderful day it is. Stephen had decided that it was a good day to work in the garden with the kids. As always, Stephen’s decisions are fabulous. All the children are busy. Dara is seeding sunflowers, David is removing the weeds with a little shovel and Rob is on the side…. Trying to make the cucumbers grow straight? He’s probably just doing that to prevent his socks from becoming dirty. Even with the oddities everything is fine. Everyone is playing nicely. Everyone? Wait, where is Alan? Stephen looks around trying to see what the curly haired boy is up to. There he is. He hasn’t run away far. Nothing to worry about. He’s just sawing the bench.

He’s just sawing the bench…..

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“Do you really think this is a good idea?”
“Of course it is Lee!”

Alan and Lee had sneaked away from mister Fry when he wasn’t looking and were planning to go explore the attic. Alan was at QI nearly every day, but he had never seen the attic before. Mister Fry had told him that they weren’t allowed to go there. Being forbidden made the attic only more interesting. They had reached the door to the attic now.

“Alan?”
“Yes?”
“How do we get in?”
“The door handle.”
“Won’t it be locked?”

Alan grabbed the door handle and tried to open the door. To Lee and Alan’s surprise it wasn’t locked. They walked in and giggled. They had done something that mister Fry had forbidden them to do! The attic wasn’t even dusty. They heard noises from the other side of the attic and decided to investigate. There the two boys found a man in a striped suit with hair that stood up in all directions and something that had to be a troll of some sort. Alan and Lee hid behind a big brown cardboard box. The two ‘beings’ were in a heated argument.

“Why are you here on this planet?”
“OOOOHEEEEEAAH”
“You don’t belong here! You give me no choice but to remove you by force!”
“ARGHAAOO”

Before the man could do anything the troll attacked him. The man was taken by surprise and the troll strangled him. Lee and Alan held their breaths in fear. The man’s body went limp and the troll released him. Falling down to the floor the man started to glow golden. Before he could even hit the floorboards the light had faded and the man had a different face. With a huge chin. The man sat up and pointed some sort of wand at the troll. Alan knew it was no wand. His parents used wands all the time so he knew what wands were supposed to look like and it was not that. He had never understood why his parents sent him to muggle QI at first, but I am getting side-tracked. The wand like thing made a zooming noise and the troll disappeared into nothing. Putting the wand like thing away the man looked around and spotted Alan and Lee. He smiled and waved happily.

“Hello there. I am the Doctor, who are you two?”

Lee and Alan screamed and ran away, out of the attic and down the stairs.

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Stephen returned with Alan in tow after he had been able to pry the saw out of Alan’s hands and save the bench from ultimate destruction. The other children hadn’t been sitting still while Stephen was away. Dara, Rob and David seemed to be standing around something. From a distance Stephen couldn’t see what it was, but whatever it was David and Dara seemed to have an argument about it. Coming closer he could hear what they were saying.

“We should rehabilitate it with honey.” David argued. Dara answered this with: “No, we should relieve it from it’s suffering.”

What were they talking about? On the ground near their feet Stephen could see a bee. The bee didn’t look very well, nearly dead even. The argument became pretty heated, but before Stephen could do anything Rob joined in.

“We could do both of those things. We just get loads of honey and then drown the bee in it!”

While Rob smiled like he had found the answer to all the world’s problems, Dara and David gave him looks of horror. Stephen quickly walked towards the boys to make sure that it didn’t end in a fistfight.

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:
Today was the day that Stephen would go to the zoo with the kids. Fortunately the group wasn’t very big. Only Bill, John, Sandi, Sean and (of course) Alan were coming with him. Even before they were in the zoo things started to become odd. They were just walking past some geese when Sandi said:

“I once read that geese are the best animals you could use for toilet paper.”

The boys looked at her open mouthed, but Stephen had also read about this.

“Yes, indeed. A researcher, I can’t remember his name right now, looked for the best thing in nature to wipe his bum with.”

This didn’t help the boys, at all.

“How?” Asked Alan
“Trying?” Answered John.
“And that’s why he was thrown out of the pet shop.” Joked Bill.
“Would it still be alive?”
“Of course it would be.” Exclaimed Sean. “So that you can turn it around afterwards and laugh in its face. Though I think scorpions would do a better job.”
“Would hedgehogs be absorbent?”

After saying that Alan looked at Stephen as if he would know if hedgehogs were absorbent. Smiling he answered with:

“One side to wipe and the other to polish.”

All the children laughed at that. Alan, being Alan, wasn’t done with asking questions.

“Why are their feet orange?”
Sean had an answer for that: “Because they eat oranges. Just like flamingos and prawns.”
“Maybe air safety?” Stephen added.
“So that they can wave each other in?” Alan made some weird movements, which obviously were supposed to show the workings of airport ground control.
Laughing merrily they walked on.

“Can any of you tell me what is special about the bar-headed goose?”

The silence that fallowed that comment was answer enough.

“The bar-headed goose can fly very far-“
“Up to ten miles” Alan said.
“Backwards.” Bill added.
“Actually, the bar-headed goose can fly a thousand times as far” Stephen corrected. “Can you guess how it does that?”
“Lying.” Sean said. “It doesn’t go that far. It just flies over the mountain and sits after it for a while. Then it flies back and tells its mates that it flew thousands of miles, while in reality it just flew ten.”

The other kids nodded. Sure that Sean had cracked the case. Shaking his head Stephen just walked along.

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How strange, Alan was sitting alone in a corner. Not doing crazy things like he normally does, more like sulking. Stephen went to sit next to him and tried to see what was upsetting the young boy. Oh, there it is, or rather she, the new girl Liza. Alan probably had a crush on her and he wouldn’t be the only one. Phil and Sean seemed to like her too.

“You like Liza don’t you?”
“So you noticed.”

Alan had at least not lost his snarky side.

“Why don’t you go and talk to her?”
“Sean and Phil like her too, but they are better at talking. If I try to approach her they’ll put me down.”

This really seemed to trouble Alan a lot. Stephen wouldn’t be Stephen if he didn’t have some good advice for Alan.

“So if you went to talk to her they’ll start an argument?”
“Yes.”
“So Sean is very good at talking and Phil is also good, but not as good as Sean?”

This time Alan only nodded.

“Well if you did go and the argument started, what would you do? Who would you try to put down?”
“Myself.”
“Now, we should think in a different way. If the three of you were arguing. Who would be the biggest threat for Liza’s love to Sean?”
“Phil.”
“Quite so, and who would be the biggest threat for Liza’s love to Phil?”
“Sean?”
“Indeed, so if an argument starts they’ll try and out best each other. They’ll only pay attention to you if you ask for it.”
“So I should shut up?”
“Yes.”
“They’ll be arguing with each other while I go and have fun with Liza!”
“Exactly.”

Alan jumped up with a smile and walked towards Liza full of confidence.”

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Finally at the zoo the first animal they went to see was the giraffe. The kids were full of glee. To keep things intellectual Stephen decided to ask them a question.

“Why do giraffes have such short necks?”
Sandi was quick to answer with: “They don’t mister Fry.”

But before Stephen could correct her Alan pointed at one of the giraffes and shouted:

“Look at what it’s doing! Ewww.”

The other kids quickly looked at what Alan was pointing at.

“It’s licking the other’s nock hole!”

All the children made disgusted noises. Alan, remembering their earlier conversation about geese, exclaimed:

“You’re supposed to use a goose for that! You know that their tongues are two feet long?”
“Long enough to clean their own ears apparently.”

Sandi and Alan had managed to change the direction of the conversation although not for long. Sean couldn’t stop thinking about the arse licking.

“That’s not where giraffes’ ears are!”

Trying to get the children on the rails again Stephen repeated his question.

“Why would I say they have short necks?”

Sandi and John answered pretty much on the same time.

“Because you’re wrong.” Said John.
“Because you’re annoying.” Was what Sandi said.
“Actually they have short necks in relation to their legs. Their legs are also very long which make their necks short in comparison.”

The children looked at Stephen for a while. He didn’t know if it was out of confusion or something else, but he didn’t have to worry about that for long.

“I want to see the monkeys!”

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The television, one of the best inventions of human history if you asked Stephen. One of the only things that could get the children to sit still. At the moment Alan and Graham were watching it. Curious about what they were watching, Stephen walked towards them.

“What are you watching?”
“There is this channel that shows people playing basketball on trampolines all day long, mister Fry.” Told Graham.
“It’s pretty useless. Just as that channel that shows golf all day, entirely useless.” Exclaimed Alan. Graham nodded in agreement.
“I love golf.”

Alan and Graham gave Stephen blank stares. Confused Graham asked:

“What are you watching?”
“The golf.”
“I mean really, what? One man shoots a ball away and then you see sky, sky, sky. Ball lands. How is this interesting?”

Stephen didn’t have a reasonable answer for that, but it didn’t seem as if Graham and Alan were going to wait for an answer. The television had been declared boring by the two and they had ran off to join David and Dara who had tissues up their noses. Oh dear, what where they doing?

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Thunk, thunk, thunk.

“Could you stop that, Alan?”

Stephen sighed. Alan’s parents couldn’t pick him up from the centre today and asked him if he could give Alan a ride home. Stephen had said yes before he could think of the consequences. Alan didn’t like cars. Cars seemed to make Alan nervous. Stephen thought of something to distract the boy.

“What do you think ruins hundreds of car journeys a year?”

Well, maybe that wasn’t the best question Stephen could have asked, but it was better than nothing.

“Radio one.”

Another thing Alan didn’t like about cars, the radio.

“Actually it’s satnav. Many a time, satnav makes a mistake. People do not realise this and blindly follow its directions. Often ending on a field, in a river or the wrong country entirely.”
“Don’t you notice when you’re driving into a river?”
“The voice is very persuasive.”
“Oh… I still think radio one ruins more car journeys.”

With a sigh Stephen changed the radio channel.

Chapter Text

“Mister Fry?”
“Yes, Bill?”
“Why don’t fish swim against the glass?”
“Because they aren’t stupid.”

Bill made a face at Stephen, clearly unsatisfied with that answer. Before Stephen could give the correct answer Alan jumped in.

“Can they feel the water pressure change when they get close to the glass? Sense that there is something in front of them?”

Stephen was flabbergasted; Alan had given the right answer.

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Turanars came from a planet called Shibon. They were considered as one of the ugliest life forms of the universe. Their language existed solely out of grunts, which made it impossible for them to speak any other language intelligibly. Their movements were also rather awkward. Beside all that, they were pretty smart and their musicality was outstanding.

This particular Turanar spaceship was flying towards earth. Why would it do that? You might ask. The answer is that this Turanar wasn’t that musically talented. It was a shame to its people and that made it very bitter. It had decided it would start a musical career elsewhere and prove to the lot of them that it wasn’t that bad. The only planet the Turanar could think of that wasn’t familiar with its race’s music and did have interest in music was Earth. What the creature hadn’t thought of was the fact that humans are easily scared and that his appearance would put them off.

After many years of trying to fit in it had decided it had to find another approach. He decided that he could be a composer. You didn’t need to be pretty to become a composer. So in the end he struck a deal with a human who had an empty attic. From this attic he would write music and send it down. The human would send it to music companies for him. Everything went well until something was done to the space below him. More and more humans came to visit the downstairs, especially the little ones. To prevent them from finding him he locked the door and made a tunnel system so that no one needed to see him.

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Stephen fallowed Graham and Alan. They had joined Dara and David and now also had tissues up their nose. Strangely enough they all had the tissue op their left nostril. How peculiar.

“What are you boys doing?”
“I’ve always suspected that one of the two nostrils works better, but never kept note of which it is. So now we’re looking if breathing becomes harder.” Said Davis.
“And you do that by putting a tissue up your nose?”
“Yes.”
“Actually, you’re not the first person to think about this and there have been people who did take note on which worked harder. Do you think you breath mostly through your right, left or both nostrils?”
“My Arse.” Said Alan as a matter of fact.
“Doesn’t it alternate?” Said Dara.
“Exactly, it does alternate.”
“I can feel it up here.”

Alan was pointing at the back of his head.

“It would be concerning if it came out of your ear.”

After Stephen had said that Alan pulled the tissue out of his nose and looked at it.

“Now what did you find, Alan?”
“I think I might have lost the end.”

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“Which group of people were used to be called girls and wore pink?”

Stephen had set the children upon another thing to figure out. He liked to do this, make kids learn things by figuring out the answer themselves. All of them were silent; knowing that mister Fry wouldn’t have asked such an easy question, so the answer must be something different. At the end Jack guessed something.

“Boys?”
“Yes indeed, boys used to wear pink and girls wore blue.”
“When did that turn around?”
“Well, Alan, we do not exactly know, but in 1927 they still dressed boys in pink.”
“Wait, did you say boys were called girls!”

Alan put his head in his hands and shook it. Not believing that boys used to be called girls.

“You have to rethink everything now, don’t you? Even stranger is that boys used to be nave girls and girls were called gay girls.”
“I don’t see anything wrong with that.” Said Sandi.
“Also colours seem to influence mothers when they hold a baby who is not their own. If the baby is dressed in pink she will hold them facing her chest and if they are dressed in blue she’ll-“ But Stephen couldn’t finish that sentence, because Alan interrupted him.
“Throw them out of the window.”

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Most of the children who had come to the centre today had been watching Finding Nemo. When they had finished they had started a conversation about clown fish. Alan had immediately yelled that they had one in the fish tank. This is what lead to the scene Stephen walked upon. Jack, Sandi, Ronni and Alan were all standing in front of the fish tank. When Stephen could hear what they were saying Alan was enthusiastically telling them something.

“To other fish it’s poisonous, but clownfish are immune to it. They live and lay their eggs there. They’re also pretty aggressive. If you try to get closer they’ll come at ya!”

Stephen smiled at that. Not being able to resist he joined them and asked:

“Do you know how genders work with clownfish?”
“Isn’t it variable?” Said Sandi.
“Yes, indeed. There is one female and one dominant male in the group. The rest are all non-dominant males. When the female dies, the dominant male becomes the female and one of the non-dominant males will become the dominant male. So in Finding Nemo Nemo’s father would’ve turned into his mother by the time he had been found.”
“Wouldn’t be nice discovering that. One morning you wake up and be all like: What happened to me?”

The kids giggled about Alan’s comment and continued to discuss how the story would have been if Nemo’s dad had been his mom.