Archive of Our Own ^beta

(1)
“I am sorry you know.”
“He’s your brother Ed; we both know what Andrew’s like you could hardly turn him away on the doorstep.” Ed flops onto the sofa with a sigh, casting a glance at the door to the spare room. He allows Dara to pull him close and for a moment they sit in silence. “I warned him.” Ed mumbles, “I fuckin’ warned him Maxwell could be a bastard.”
“And that was his mistake to make.”
In the next room, Paul listens with his eyes fixed on the ceiling and wishes he was somewhere else. A spider watches.

(2)
It’s a big dent to his pride to find himself reliant on Ed and Dara. For the first few days Paul refuses to eat and only leaves his borrowed bed to go to the bathroom or to fetch a drink. His phone buzzes itself into oblivion with messages, mostly from Maxwell. It only took a few hours before family gave up and just rang Ed instead, but not Maxwell. But that was probably for the best. Paul refuses to speak to them all; he can’t bear their sympathy just yet. It’s too hard, too soon, it still hurts too much.

(3)
“Maybe you need to just, y’know, put your mind to it.” Paul has spent nearly 3 weeks in bed now, he’s washed all of about 3 times, once each week, and Ed is really quite worried. He’s spent hours now trying to convince Paul to come out of the flat with him, and his resolve is starting to fail when Paul finally speaks: “Okay.” Ed does something of a double take of surprise as he turns to look, and is met by Paul’s burning stare.
*
After the first trip out it gets easier; Paul resolves to try and live.

(4)
For the first time since his arrival Dara is left alone in the flat with Paul. They sit together, drinking wine and watching shit telly, and by the end of the bottle Paul is looking quite desperate. It doesn’t take much prompting from Dara for him to speak, blurting out his innermost feelings; “I, I still, I can’t.” He starts to cry, and Dara hug’s him gently close, stroking his hair like a child until he’s calm. The kiss seems like an accident, and Paul immediately flee’s to his room, leaving Dara alone and pensive, waiting for the elder Byrne.

(5)
For the first time in months Paul goes out, Sir Tim picks him up at the door, casting Ed an odd look before they disappear towards the pub. Ed starts to feel quietly hopeful and makes the most of the empty flat to have noisy guiltless sex with Dara. It’s a good night on two levels, the hope that at last things are changing, and the chance to have sex. They’re both asleep when Paul returns home, tipsy and mildly elated, he falls into bed alone and; in a defining turn he finds he doesn’t really mind. He sleeps well.

(6)
The next morning is filled with regret, hung over and hazy he sends a text to Andrew, then turns his phone off and puts it under the pillow in order to hide. But then curiosity get’s the better of him and he switches it back on, something else to regret, because there’s a message from Maxwell suggesting they meet somewhere for coffee. And he knows he can’t resist. Paul responds in the affirmative and then spends the day denying that he’s on edge, as far as he’s concerned no-one else needs to know, not yet. This is his personal demon.

(7)
Three am. Fully Thirteen hours until he’s due to meet Andrew and Paul is lying awake worrying. He’s already laid out some clothes, changed them several times and changed them back again; all of course done in near silence, because it’s late, and because Ed and Dara are sleeping on the other side of a dividing wall. At least they’re sleeping now, earlier Paul had lain with his headphones in, studiously ignoring the sounds from through the wall and worrying. Now there’s nothing to distract him and he doesn’t want to listen to music, he watches a spider and frets.

(8)
When he see’s Maxwell’s small form hunched over a table Paul stops and his heart skips a beat. He’s spent too long trying to pretend to himself, and to pretend to Dara and Ed that he’s fine, he’s over it. Shoving his glasses up his nose he swallows thickly and wends his way across. Maxwell pretends not to notice him until he drops into the seat opposite, but when he looks up they make eye contact. The moment seems to last an age as they stare at one another. Paul pretends to himself that it’s normal, that he’s over Maxwell.

(9)
After an initial moment that seems to stretch forever conversation flows normally, as though nothing had ever happened. But it’s still there in the back of Paul’s mind, ticking away like an alarm clock in a locked draw. He tries to push it out of his mind and enjoy the moment, the contact. When Maxwell’s fingers brush the back of his hand it feels like its burning. When he leaves the cafe Paul feel’s elated again, he wants to go back and re-live the meeting over and over, his phone buzzes in his pocket and makes him jump, feeling guilty.

(9)
They start to meet regularly, once a week, always on the same day at the same time. Every week Paul gives Dara and Ed a different excuse, anything to get him there, to get him to Andrew. He’s aware it’s not healthy; if it was drugs or alcohol he could take himself somewhere, a hospital, a locked room. But it’s Andrew. In some ways he’s more than any drug though, and as Paul finds himself waiting for the next hit he knows that it’s an addiction. But he’s not sure it’s one he wants to recover from, not just yet.

(10)
The first time Andrew invites him back Paul knows he’s on a slippery slope. Danger! His brain screams, Run! Abort! No! But he blocks it out, takes the proffered hand and goes with Andrew just the same. It feel’s strange to be back there, but then Maxwell kisses him and he stops worrying. In the end they have sex in the bed they used to share, and it’s gentle and loving and Paul doesn’t know how to cope. They share a cigarette afterwards, in the artificial gloom of closed curtains, and Paul finds himself wanting to scream. But he doesn’t.

(11)
When he tells Ed and Dara their response is hard to read, a veneer of concern tinged with intrigue. Paul half wonders whether or not Ed is somehow jealous, that against the odds he and Andrew are making it work, or that he’s lost the monopoly, he’s no longer the strong figure in Paul’s life. Paul suspects he’s over thinking things again, before he goes he scoops the spider from the ceiling; puts it out the window, it’s been his spider in a room not his own, and he doesn’t want Ed to have it. It’s nice being independent again.

(12)
It would be all too easy to fall back into old habit’s, and to an extent they do, get drunk, shout at each other, sometimes it seems more like some tantric fight than sex, but its different now. Paul has managed to walk away once, he can bluff to himself that he could do it again. Andrew doesn’t hold all the power now, or if he does, he doesn’t know it. Routine return’s, old habit’s adhered to once more but something’s different, something’s changed. Paul sits on the back step and smokes, another habit, something else to change. Or not.